Managing emotional wellbeing in midlife: A compassionate approach
Emotional wellbeing in midlife can feel complex and unsettling.
Midlife can throw us some big emotional earthquakes. In our relationships, our workplaces, our families and of course, in the impact of the hormonal changes of perimenopause.
Rage, grief, resentment, anger, disappointment, despair, irritation, sadness, contempt, overwhelm, shame, guilt, disconnection, loneliness…..I could go on.
We’re exhausted and hormonal. That’s part of it.
We’re facing challenges at home, at work, in the world at large (my rage is often ignited by events outside of my control!).
We’re also changing and shifting into the next version of ourselves, letting go of old identities and acquiring new ones.
AND we’re carrying the unseen baggage of a society that doesn’t celebrate ageing, or older people. And, probably, a lifetime of pretending those difficult emotions don’t really exist.
I think we need our own emotional toolkit in this stage of life.
Both the space and awareness to explore the emotional landscape we’re in, as well as the tools to help us out of the depths of despair, or to climb back out of overwhelm, or back to calm when rage has taken over.
Some of the emotional toolkit is supported by good sleep, hydration, good nutrition, movement, connection, and time out in nature.
Some of it is different.
In this article I’ll take you through 3 ways to explore managing and improving your experience of this emotional rollercoaster!
1. The power of self-compassion
We can be hard on ourselves in midlife. We might have certain expectations of what life ‘should’ be like. Perhaps based on comparing ourselves to others, or even comparing ourselves to our younger selves. Comparison can lead to shame, blame, and resentment. As well as regret, and disappointment. None of those are easy states to stay in for long.
It’s very easy to stay stuck in them though, because we aren’t even noticing that that is where we are.
Personally I know I can get stuck in a resentment story, feeling like I’m doing the lion’s share of the work at home, not getting the support I want and need from my husband, or kids. This can create anger, and irritation, and lead me to a bit of an emotional shut-down.
But if I take the time to be kind to myself, to get curious - ‘where is this coming from?’ I can often find new solutions.
Self compassion is treating yourself as you would a good friend, or a dear loved one. If they were feeling that same resentment and anger, what would you say to them? What might you say, or feel? You would acknowledge the difficulty and pain of the moment, and ask yourself what support you might need?
It isn’t self indulgent, it’s immensely healing. And a lot less painful that stewing in the difficult emotions of the moment.
Kristen Neff’s research on Mindful Self Compassion is incredibly powerful and worth exploring. I’ll add some resources to the end of this blog, and this overview is a good place to start.
2. Naming your emotions
‘I’m fine’ can feel like an easy answer, but it’s not necessarily the best one when someone asks you how you are.
I live in the UK. By and large we don’t talk about our feelings with each other. We’re held back by culture, by shame, and by a lack of vocabulary.
I’ve enjoyed Brene Brown’s work on this, she’s a researcher based in the US, where there’s some similarity around this lack of emotional vocabulary. Her book Atlas of the Heart attempts to name and explain 87 emotions.
The naming of an emotion can actually be a relief.
Going back to my resentment example. It is a recurring friend of mine. There’s a story around it I’m still working on, but it can pop up in situations where I’m feeling like I’m not being appreciated or am approaching overwhelm. It can feel like anger and rage, but it’s actually something different.
Once I’ve noticed and named it I have a choice. It can lead me to action (asking for more help with something, saying ‘no’ more, and giving myself some space and time alone to rest.
Or I can choose to sit in it, or bottle it up until it explodes. Not ideal!
Can you see why the former might be a better option? I’ll feel better as a result, and so will everyone around me.
A simple way to start practicing this is to ask yourself in the morning, ‘how do I feel today?’. I tend to note this down in a journal. If you’re a bit stuck on naming emotions there’s a handy list from Atlas of the Heart here.
3. Moving through, not getting stuck
Have you ever found it easier to talk about difficult things going on in your life when you’re walking and talk with a friend? Somehow the movement helps - there’s a physiological explanation (the movement helps our body deal with the hormones released by stress and increases the feel good hormones, endorphins to boost our mood.
We don’t have to go out for a walk, or a run though. Even just changing position can help, if you’re feeling stressed and overwhelmed, sitting or standing up tall, and squeezing and releasing your shoulders up to your ears and back down can help. Or if you’re feeling low and sad, looking up and taking in the view around you can help shift your perspective and stop you getting stuck in thoughts of doom and gloom.
And of course there’s the magic of the breath. Taking a deep breath before doing something scarey. Taking some slow breaths when you’re feeling anxious. Focussing on the breath when you’re feeling sadness or grief.
Movement can help stop getting stuck in the emotions, but sometimes we need more support and help than I’ve listed above.
And that’s when getting some external help is really useful. Ever since having kids I’ve made this a practice of mine, that when I’m struggling, for whatever reason, I’ll get support. Counselling, hypnotherapy, coaching. I want to support my emotional wellbeing, for me AND for my kids too. It’s a win, win for the long term.
If you notice yourself getting stuck in repetitive thoughts it’s likely that there’s some emotion or feeling that needs to be noticed, why not take a moment to name and notice, and allow yourself to move on through.
So, what next?
There is SO much more to say here, and I will continue to explore it, as I think there’s a huge benefit in working on our emotional wellbeing and self compassion in midlife.
What I’d love you to take away from reading this is that there’s a benefit to look after our emotional wellbeing, that it’s NOT easy in midlife, and there are small things that you can do right now to help.
Name, notice, and move through difficult emotions, and be kind to yourself in the process.
Take a look at the book Fierce Self Compassion by Kristen Neff. Or listen to Brene Brown and her sisters talking through the emotions in Atlas of the Heart in her podcast here. Or perhaps explore the breath through James Nestor’s book Breath, the science of a lost art.
And, of course, if you found yourself nodding along while reading this and recognising patterns of feeling stuck, or trapped in emotions, I'd love to offer you a free 30-minute Move Forward session. We'll explore what's feeling stuck right now and identify one concrete step you can take. There's no pressure, no sales pitch - just a focused conversation about moving through whatever's in your way. I’m offering 2 of these sessions each week until mid December 2025